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Poop Zone
Masturbation. I thought I’d start with this forbidden word because most people feel uncomfortable talking about it (especially the Catholics) and it can only get more comfortable from here. Plus, Voldemort seemed too cliché.
Poop. Still uncomfortable but less so than masturbation. And if we’re being totally honest, we all poop and we all masturbate. I’m totally comfortable with admitting I masturbate but totally uncomfortable admitting I poop.
The idea of pooping has creeped me out since I was little. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to poop, but I just don’t want anyone to know I do it. That’s insane, right? I even think it’s insane. And yet, I do these weird evasive rituals so no one will “know” I poop.
I’m constantly worried about having colon cancer because I hold my poop. I hear that’s bad for you. But I can’t stop.
I live with my boyfriend in an apartment with one bathroom. For years, I’ve been holding my poop in until he leaves for work in the morning. I stopped getting up early to work because I have to poop within half an hour and I dance around for a few hours waiting for him to leave. I spend half my time in the morning on all fours performing cat and cow from my yoga practice and praying to the gods that I don’t poop my underwear before he leaves. In 100% honesty, I’ve pooped my underwear doing this before. It’s humiliating and completely insane. But I still CANNOT go poop while my boyfriend is home.
I’m terrified he will smell it and be grossed out. I’m afraid he won’t want to have sex with me ever again after he goes into the bathroom and smells that I’ve just pooped.
Honestly, I hate the smell of other people’s poop. I think I could probably not have sex with my boyfriend ever again after going to the bathroom when it still smells like his poop or when he farts under the covers in the morning. We still have sex, and rationally, I know he’d still have sex with me if he smelled my poop. But I can’t do it.
Every weekend, I leave in the morning to go grocery shopping, run errands, or go to the library. I rotate toilets but I stop at one of the many local places where I take my weekend poops. I’m afraid of going to one place too often because they might catch on. I always feel like people watch me when I go in and come out and know I just…
